Poly and Jealousy – Part One

Oy, it kills me when people say, “I can’t do poly because I get jealous.”

No kidding. So Do I. I’m actually a very jealous person. I don’t just get jealous over my partners. I get jealous over my friends, over possessions, over jobs, over my godsdamn cats. I’ve been successfully poly for the last several years because I put a lot of hard work into learning how to process these feelings.

And still they say, “You don’t understand, I *really* get jealous.” Yeah, me too. Even after all these years, I still occasionally feel like someone let all the air out of the room, I’m gasping for breath, and falling and falling and no one’s going to catch me, and I feel sick to my stomach.

But I’ve learned how to identify the true sources of these feelings, process them, and move forward.

As a reward, I get to share my love, heart, soul, and bed, with more than one person. I get to watch the people I love find joy and happiness with people who can give them things I can’t. I get to feel new relationship butterflies again without sacrificing long term life partnership. I get to explore connections with people I wouldn’t have considered before because they can’t give me everything, and find that they can give me something I need and want perfectly.

Our society has decided jealousy is the one negative emotion it’s better to just avoid if you can, and ignore if you have to. They don’t say this about anger, or sadness, or grief, or guilt. There are whole fields of study devoted to how to deal with each of those. By deciding it’s ok to never learn how to deal with jealousy, western culture is missing out on an awful lot of wonderful things.

Street Harassment – Rant Time!

Ok, I’m just going to say it. I’m done with men weighing in on the issue of street harassment, ie, strangers yelling lewd things at you.
No, you don’t understand. And its not because you don’t care, and its not because you’re not trying, and its not because you’re not good at putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. It’s because the MOST any of you will *ever* get this crap is still LESS than the *average* female has gotten by the time she turns 16.
No, that is not exaggeration, it is not hyperbole, its the straight up truth. It’s probably hard for guys to wrap their heads around, but its a fact women live with every day. And I know its not the majority of men who do it, its a minority who do it repeatedly to lots of different women and girls.
Another factor you may not realize is the genuine fear. When you’re imagining this happening to you, and thinking you’d find it complementary, are you picturing it coming from someone who could *easily* overpower you if they decide they don’t like your answer? Because that’s the reality we live with.
And no, its *NOT* “just the ugly ones” that bother us, and suggesting that is frankly insulting. I’ve been harassed by physically attractive men and it was just as unwelcome and unsettling. Plus the attractive ones tend to get extra aggressive, because how could I not want them? And that gets genuinely frightening.
So I really don’t want to hear how we should lighten up, and I REALLY don’t want to hear how you’d take it as a compliment.
Because no, you wouldn’t. Not if it happened to you the way it happens to us. You really, really wouldn’t.

Dear 7-11 guy

You’re not subtle. And when you try to be, you just look silly. It’s ok, we’re used to it.
All women, especially well endowed ones like me, are used to people glancing at our chests while talking to us.
Not just guys, either. Women, straight women, gay men, it’s just what happens. Hell, I do it, I can’t help it, and neither can you. As long as your eyes are on my face more often than my chest, we’re good.
Heck, a while back I was watching RDA with two male friends and a female friend, and there was a Patreon video on. After a bit, the guys started talking about how there must be a script right below the camera, because the guy kept looking at it while talking, and the other woman and I both admitted we hadn’t even noticed. We are both so accustomed to people glancing down regularly while talking to us, it didn’t even register. Of course, once pointed out, yeah there’s no reason it should be happening in a pre-recorded video on the Internet, but until then we were just politely ignoring it out of habit and years of practice.
It’s incredibly uncomfortable when you’re young and your boobs are new, but by our mid 30s most of us are so used to it that, while we do notice (we always notice) it’s really not A Thing anymore, it’s just part of the burden of being a Boob Bearer.

Not All Feminists

I kinda want to stat a new thing: Not All Feminists.
I avoided that moniker for, well, a couple of decades, because the very vocal, visible minority of Feminists in the 80s and 90s are where the stereotype of ball-busting, man-hating, un-feminine,  lift up women at the expense of men Feminists came from, and that was my childhood and my adolescence, and that’s what I thought feminism was.

It’s not.

When I call myself a “feminist,” it’s because “humanist who happens to be female so women’s issues are going to resonate more strongly with me” takes too long. And people who know me well know this. But people who don’t know me so well sometimes read my feminist writings with ball-busting feminist colored glasses, and misunderstandings happen.

So I’m left with two choices: try to start a new term that fits the type of feminist me, my friends, and my favorite columnists and bloggers are, or say “Fuck you male-bashers who give us all a bad name, I’m taking it back!”

Well, considering I’ve had two strong, intelligent women tell me in the past week how much they’ve learned about feminism from me, as well as having had several men thank me for showing them that feminists can be supportive of men, sex positive, and feminine, I’ve chosen the “Fuck you, I’m taking it back” route.

So I submit to you #NotAllFeminists:

All penis-in-vagina sex is rape?
#NotAllFeminists
I happen to enjoy sex with men. A lot. Like a whole lot.

Reverse sexism jokes are OK because it’s backlash against years of oppression?
#NotAllFeminists
“Reverse sexism” isn’t a thing. Sexism is sexism, regardless of the gender being made fun of. Either they’re all OK or none of them are.

Stay at home moms should go out and get jobs?
#NotAllFeminists
Stay at home moms *have* jobs, they do things you pay others to do as *thier* jobs without question.

Stay at home dads are deadbeats?
#NotAllFeminists
I can’t think of anything more feminist than a stay at home dad. They are the embodiment of equality and breaking gender roles.

Rape is a men vs women issue?
#NotAllFeminists
Many surveys and studies over the years show that roughly 1 in 4 men will be the victims of non-consensual sex acts, and most of those will be committed by women.

Wearing makeup and pretty things and sexy things is buying into the male establishment and we shouldn’t do it?
#NotAllFeminists
How is you dictating how women should dress so much better than the male establishment doing it? Wear what you want, don’t wear what you want, the point is *choice.*

Being anything other than a career woman is betraying your fellow feminists?
#NotAllFeminists
See above, it should be about personal freedom of choice. If I want to be a CEO, a stay at home mom, a dancer, a porn star, a welder, a rich housewife,  a butcher a baker a candlestick maker these can all be feminist options if it’s what you really want.

Feel free to add to this list. 🙂

When will feminism stop being necessary?

When women can walk down the street without fearing for their lives.
When everyone who does the same work gets paid the same.
When men get equal consideration in custody hearings.
When rape victims stop being asked what they were wearing.
When all rape victims can come forward without fear.
When people accept that a lot of them will be men.
When strangers and men stop thinking they have some right over women’s bodies.
When the prize is no longer “getting the girl” because women are not prizes, but people with free agency.
When girls toys aren’t all pink. In fact,  when there are no longer “girls’ toys” and “boys’ toys.”
When both moms and dads can either stay home with the kids or work depending on what works for their families without being a social pariah.
When people stop debating whether or not marital rape is a thing.
When it stops being socially acceptable to threaten to rape a woman or girl because of something she did in am online video game.
When boys are taught about consent, what constitutes rape, and not to ever touch a woman without explicit permission as fervently as women are taught how to avoid being raped.
When a man wearing a skirt or dress is as socially acceptable as a woman wearing pants.
When we drop the attitude that girl on girl is hot, but boy on boy is gross.
When the words “slut” and friendzone” are both gone from our vocabulary.
When the only advice you’ll get from Pick Up Artists is, “Dude, talk to her, she’s a human being.”
When people understand why I include points of male equality when I talk about feminism, because while the established patriarchy hurts women more and in more obvious ways, it hurts men, too, in insidious ways, that the patriarchy tells them it isn’t manly to talk about.
When women can talk about trauma without being told they’re overreacting.
When I meet a woman who’s never been street harassed or been the victim of non consensual sexual contact.

Street Harassment – NotAllMen

Every time I see a woman talk about the incredibly common, confidence destroying, and sometimes terrifying,  issue of street harassment, inevitably some guy or guys has to jump in with, “Not all men are like that!”
Um… yes? True? No one was saying otherwise. It’s also completely irrelevant. The issue is that IT HAPPENS AT ALL.
And while they’re so busy being defensive when no one was actually talking about them, the end result is that women give up on even trying to talk about a very real, very serious problem that literally all women face.
So, by insisting on declaring yourself not part of the problem, you’re actively hindering any possible solution. And is that the kind of guy you want to be? The kind that would rather make things worse to save face (that you hadn’t lost in the first place), or the kind that sees a problem and ACTUALLY TRIES TO HELP?
Because,  let me tell ya, I wish all guys were like THAT.

On calling myself a feminist

When I was a kid, I found myself disenchanted with feminism. It was the early 80s and there was a very visible and powerful subset of feminists who made it seem that to be a feminist, you had to wear pants and be career oriented. Who made you feel guilty if what you really wanted in life was to be a mom, that you were betraying yourself if you liked wearing dresses or looking femininely pretty.
By adolescence I was railing against it, that feminism should be about a woman’s right to *choose* her path, not trading one set of pressures for another. And this was also the time the public face of feminism was starting to go that direction, too.
Today, most of the feminism I see is humanism, and that makes me happy.  
For me, feminism is your right to be a high powered exec, or a ballet dancer, or a stay at home mom, or a banker, or a barista, etc. etc.
I feel it should also be a *man’s* right to be a stay at home dad, or wear a dress, etc.; for me women having the right to do “men’s” things should also extend to men having the right to to do “women’s” things. One of the most masculine men I know recently quit his job to work from home and be a stay at home dad. He makes me proud to be a feminist when he asks me to help him find resources for raising his daughter to be a smart, independent girl like my daughter. For me, being supportive of him is a feminist act.
I’m a feminist who enjoys showing off my secondary sexual characteristics for a night out, preferably on the arm of my boyfriend in one of his dresses and the heels I helped him pick out, or perhaps my girlfriend in a pair of jeans and her biker jacket.
Feminism should be freeing, not limiting.

Real Men

I really, really don’t like the terms “real men” or “real women.” Yes, magazine pictures are fake in the sense of professional make up, clever lighting, and airbrushing of the photos after the fact, and yes, even horrible photo shopping.

But when it comes down to it, these are all actually people who do exist, ergo they’re real.

The issue we’re generally addressing when we use these terms is that of realistic bodies. Common body types. What people you could actually meet are likely to look like.
Whether or not the standards we are setting for ourselves are attainable, or if we are competing with people who started with rare genetic advantages, and top that with the time and money to devote to “perfecting” their appearance.

While there are many wonderful campaigns popping up everywhere to promote realistic beauty standards for women, I’m not seeing any for men, aside from the campaigns that are for both, which delight me to no end.
And while there’s no denying women are far more likely to be judged solely on their appearance, and looks in general are a much bigger part of being a woman than being a man, it is completely unfair to deny that men are also very insecure about their bodies and their appearance as well. We need to support them, too.

For me, I much prefer what the common man looks like. Those airbrushed, sculpted bodies in magazines may be nice to look at, but I honestly have no interest in touching. They don’t make me want to grab them and cuddle them. I’ve dated men of every size and shape, and there are things I like about each of them.
I like boys. Skinny boys, chubby boys, boys who climb on rocks…
Men, you are fantastic creatures.

Your sex does not affect me

I don’t care who you sleep with, as long as everyone is consenting adults. It doesn’t effect me, and it damn well doesn’t effect anyone who isn’t either sleeping with you or with someone you’re sleeping with. Frankly, if I don’t know you, I don’t even care if you’re happy, as long as everyone is consenting of their own free will, you have every right to make yourself miserable. I don’t care what gender, what gender identity, what race(s), or how many there are. It does. Not. Affect. Me.  So why are so godsdamn many people all up in arms about OTHER people’s sexual choices? Fer crying out loud, even if they ARE going to hell, it’s THEIR choice to do so, your god gave people free will for a reason, right? You think their relationship style is wrong? Fine, then YOU do something else and ignore the “bad” people, mmmkay? You have the superior way of doing things? Great, you do that, and leave the mere mortals to their scurrying. You don’t want so see that? Your eyeballs can move, as can your head and your feet, so don’t fucking look.

This post brought to you by hormones. Give me chocolate.

Not Nice

I am a good person. I am not a nice person. I’ve had people argue with me, “Aw, don’t put yourself down, you’re a nice person!” No. I am not putting myself down, and I am not a nice person, nor do I want to be. Nor do I want the people around me to be.
Nice is not the same as good. Good people want to help others, even at the expense of their own comfort or the loss of destructive warm fuzzies.
Nice is self serving and often downright dishonest. Nice is non confrontational for short term gain at the long term expense of others.
The most basic and prevalent example is the “little white lie.” Lies are not good, but they can be nice, and I say to hell with that.
Let’s take a cliched example. “Do these pants make me look fat?”
We are trained to reflexively say “No.” even if the answer is “Yes.” Hell, especially if it is.
It’s the nice thing to say, but it is not the good thing to say. Telling someone something makes them *look* fat is not the same as calling *them* fat. Quite the opposite in fact. It’s telling them that those pants give the unflattering *illusion* that they’re fat. And isn’t it better to suffer a momentary discomfort in your own home than to go out all evening not knowing your pants make you look like Jabba the Butt? Isn’t it better to give the not nice but good answer of no, so she can change into the pants that make her look like she swapped asses with Scarlett Johanson?
Nice people tell their friends they’re perfect and can do no wrong, often supporting negative behaviors that are actually hurting those friends.
Good people tell their friends when their fucking up, so those friends can do something about it and have a better life in the long run. I greatly appreciate it when people tell me something is bothering them. It gives me the opportunity to improve myself and have better relationships all around. And even if I choose not to change, I can be aware of what’s going on and why some people might be being weird around me, and make the conscious choice to continue a behavior that I feel is truly me, and worth not being closer to those people.
When a friend is going through some shit, both the nice person and the good person will hold their hand and feed them ice cream and tell them it will be ok.
But when the depression turns self destructive, the nice person will continue the hand holding while their friend develops negative, self destructive habits and makes things worse, all the while feeling hunkey dorey about what a nice, supportive friend they are.
Meanwhile, they good person will do the difficult, uncomfortable thing and help their friend dig their way out and get back to living life.
A nice person will see someone getting harassed and stay out of it, a good person will intervene.
Good people see injustice in they world and do not nice things to fight it. Nice people smile and try not to rock they boat.

I am not nice. But I am good, or at least I try to be. And I try to surround myself with good people as well.