I want to be Laci Green when I grow up

July 17, 2014 § Leave a comment

WHY I’M A…FEMINIST *gasp*: http://youtu.be/UwJRFClybmk

Begin at the Beginning

July 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

It has been requested that I start a blog.
The next several posts will be any old rants I find, in no particular order.

Poly and Jealousy – Part Two

July 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

Got to explain to another person this morning that “I get jealous” does NOT mean that person can’t do poly, it means they’re human.

Which is not to say everyone can do poly, just that jealousy is hardly a deal breaker, in fact it’s something that most polys are working through all the time, processing jealousy like we process other emotional reactions.

Pointing out that we are taught that other negative emotions are normal and can be dealt with, all except jealousy. If you can’t handle your anger, we send you to anger management. If you can’t handle your fear, a therapist will help you work through it. If you can’t handle your sadness, we’ll give you some pills.
But if you get jealous? Yeah, better just avoid that entirely. No need to learn to process that emotion like you need to learn to process all the others.
The look on his face when it clicked was awesome, though. In fact, when I started my litany, HE was the one who said, “And if you’re sad, here’s a pill!” Yup, exactly.

It’s so ingrained, it never occurs to people that you can just process jealousy like you can process anger or any other emotion that’s causing problems in your life. But it makes me happy when people can see it once it’s pointed out.

Poly and Jealousy – Part One

July 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

Oy, it kills me when people say, “I can’t do poly because I get jealous.”

No kidding. So Do I. I’m actually a very jealous person. I don’t just get jealous over my partners. I get jealous over my friends, over possessions, over jobs, over my godsdamn cats. I’ve been successfully poly for the last several years because I put a lot of hard work into learning how to process these feelings.

And still they say, “You don’t understand, I *really* get jealous.” Yeah, me too. Even after all these years, I still occasionally feel like someone let all the air out of the room, I’m gasping for breath, and falling and falling and no one’s going to catch me, and I feel sick to my stomach.

But I’ve learned how to identify the true sources of these feelings, process them, and move forward.

As a reward, I get to share my love, heart, soul, and bed, with more than one person. I get to watch the people I love find joy and happiness with people who can give them things I can’t. I get to feel new relationship butterflies again without sacrificing long term life partnership. I get to explore connections with people I wouldn’t have considered before because they can’t give me everything, and find that they can give me something I need and want perfectly.

Our society has decided jealousy is the one negative emotion it’s better to just avoid if you can, and ignore if you have to. They don’t say this about anger, or sadness, or grief, or guilt. There are whole fields of study devoted to how to deal with each of those. By deciding it’s ok to never learn how to deal with jealousy, western culture is missing out on an awful lot of wonderful things.

Street Harassment – Rant Time!

July 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

Ok, I’m just going to say it. I’m done with men weighing in on the issue of street harassment, ie, strangers yelling lewd things at you.
No, you don’t understand. And its not because you don’t care, and its not because you’re not trying, and its not because you’re not good at putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. It’s because the MOST any of you will *ever* get this crap is still LESS than the *average* female has gotten by the time she turns 16.
No, that is not exaggeration, it is not hyperbole, its the straight up truth. It’s probably hard for guys to wrap their heads around, but its a fact women live with every day. And I know its not the majority of men who do it, its a minority who do it repeatedly to lots of different women and girls.
Another factor you may not realize is the genuine fear. When you’re imagining this happening to you, and thinking you’d find it complementary, are you picturing it coming from someone who could *easily* overpower you if they decide they don’t like your answer? Because that’s the reality we live with.
And no, its *NOT* “just the ugly ones” that bother us, and suggesting that is frankly insulting. I’ve been harassed by physically attractive men and it was just as unwelcome and unsettling. Plus the attractive ones tend to get extra aggressive, because how could I not want them? And that gets genuinely frightening.
So I really don’t want to hear how we should lighten up, and I REALLY don’t want to hear how you’d take it as a compliment.
Because no, you wouldn’t. Not if it happened to you the way it happens to us. You really, really wouldn’t.

Dear 7-11 guy

July 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

You’re not subtle. And when you try to be, you just look silly. It’s ok, we’re used to it.
All women, especially well endowed ones like me, are used to people glancing at our chests while talking to us.
Not just guys, either. Women, straight women, gay men, it’s just what happens. Hell, I do it, I can’t help it, and neither can you. As long as your eyes are on my face more often than my chest, we’re good.
Heck, a while back I was watching RDA with two male friends and a female friend, and there was a Patreon video on. After a bit, the guys started talking about how there must be a script right below the camera, because the guy kept looking at it while talking, and the other woman and I both admitted we hadn’t even noticed. We are both so accustomed to people glancing down regularly while talking to us, it didn’t even register. Of course, once pointed out, yeah there’s no reason it should be happening in a pre-recorded video on the Internet, but until then we were just politely ignoring it out of habit and years of practice.
It’s incredibly uncomfortable when you’re young and your boobs are new, but by our mid 30s most of us are so used to it that, while we do notice (we always notice) it’s really not A Thing anymore, it’s just part of the burden of being a Boob Bearer.

Not All Feminists

July 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

I kinda want to stat a new thing: Not All Feminists.
I avoided that moniker for, well, a couple of decades, because the very vocal, visible minority of Feminists in the 80s and 90s are where the stereotype of ball-busting, man-hating, un-feminine,  lift up women at the expense of men Feminists came from, and that was my childhood and my adolescence, and that’s what I thought feminism was.

It’s not.

When I call myself a “feminist,” it’s because “humanist who happens to be female so women’s issues are going to resonate more strongly with me” takes too long. And people who know me well know this. But people who don’t know me so well sometimes read my feminist writings with ball-busting feminist colored glasses, and misunderstandings happen.

So I’m left with two choices: try to start a new term that fits the type of feminist me, my friends, and my favorite columnists and bloggers are, or say “Fuck you male-bashers who give us all a bad name, I’m taking it back!”

Well, considering I’ve had two strong, intelligent women tell me in the past week how much they’ve learned about feminism from me, as well as having had several men thank me for showing them that feminists can be supportive of men, sex positive, and feminine, I’ve chosen the “Fuck you, I’m taking it back” route.

So I submit to you #NotAllFeminists:

All penis-in-vagina sex is rape?
#NotAllFeminists
I happen to enjoy sex with men. A lot. Like a whole lot.

Reverse sexism jokes are OK because it’s backlash against years of oppression?
#NotAllFeminists
“Reverse sexism” isn’t a thing. Sexism is sexism, regardless of the gender being made fun of. Either they’re all OK or none of them are.

Stay at home moms should go out and get jobs?
#NotAllFeminists
Stay at home moms *have* jobs, they do things you pay others to do as *thier* jobs without question.

Stay at home dads are deadbeats?
#NotAllFeminists
I can’t think of anything more feminist than a stay at home dad. They are the embodiment of equality and breaking gender roles.

Rape is a men vs women issue?
#NotAllFeminists
Many surveys and studies over the years show that roughly 1 in 4 men will be the victims of non-consensual sex acts, and most of those will be committed by women.

Wearing makeup and pretty things and sexy things is buying into the male establishment and we shouldn’t do it?
#NotAllFeminists
How is you dictating how women should dress so much better than the male establishment doing it? Wear what you want, don’t wear what you want, the point is *choice.*

Being anything other than a career woman is betraying your fellow feminists?
#NotAllFeminists
See above, it should be about personal freedom of choice. If I want to be a CEO, a stay at home mom, a dancer, a porn star, a welder, a rich housewife,  a butcher a baker a candlestick maker these can all be feminist options if it’s what you really want.

Feel free to add to this list. 🙂