July 29, 2014 § Leave a comment

Guys, pay attention to the story she tells near the beginning.
When women complain that they are constantly being judged on how they look, there are always a few guys who say, “So are we!” And yes, you are, everyone is, I’m not denying that.
But men are *not* judged on their appearance to the pervasive degree women are. A woman can’t express an opinion without people dissecting whether or not her *outfit* supports her opinion.
Yes, there are certain ways one dresses for certain things, and both men and women are both going to be judged if they don’t conform to that.
The difference is, women continue to have their appearance scrutinized, and their entire worth based on that scrutiny, outside of those situations.
Have you ever read an article about a man wherein the writer said he said some great things, but he doesn’t believe it because of what kind of shorts he was wearing?
The first time I remember seeing this it was the early 80s, I was just just a wee child and a huge Madonna fan. I remember a rant she had about interviewers asking her more questions about her belly button than about her music.
This is insane, people!


This is What a Feminist Looks Like

July 18, 2014 § Leave a comment


This is what a feminist looks like.
Does that surprise you? Should I be more manish?
Should I forego the bright red nails and lips that make me happy in order to better fit the feminist stereotype the patriarchy convinced you was real in order to dissuade you from fighting for your own freedom?
Does that sound paranoid? Is it really that hard to believe that the very same society that taught you that looks were the most important thing about a woman then used that very fear they created and told you we were ugly and manish to keep you from listening to us? That the people who taught you that boys won’t like you if you’re “too successful” then told you that we would reject you if you aren’t career obsessed?
“But why would they do that?”
It’s not malicious. Not really. And these things are so ingrained the majority don’t even realize they’re doing it. But to answer your question, they do it because it keeps them in power.
This is what feminism is about. Balancing out the power.  Gender equality. And this is what a feminist looks like.

Would it make you feel better to know I don’t shave my legs? This is not a feminist mandate, but rather a personal choice. I do shave my pits, because smelly. But frankly I encourage men to at least keep theirs trimmed for the same reason.
And you know what? Last night I went out on a warm summer evening bare legged in a short sundress and no one said a damn thing and most people didn’t even notice.
Not like when I went to the zoo with my family wearing shorts. People glared at my hairy legs.

Wait. Let’s think about that for a moment. People are so accustomed to women’s bodies belonging to the public and not themselves that not only were total strangers actively offended by a personal choice that does not affect them in any way, but they felt so completely justified in judging a total stranger’s body that they openly *glared* at my *legs.*
My legs, apparently, make them angry for existing in their natural form.

This is what a feminist looks like. Feminine, red lips, red nails, sundresses, and hairy legs. Because these are all *my* choices. Feminists can look like anyone, any woman, any man, any trans, anyone. That’s kind of the entire point.


July 17, 2014 § Leave a comment

I want to be Laci Green when I grow up

July 17, 2014 § Leave a comment


Begin at the Beginning

July 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

It has been requested that I start a blog.
The next several posts will be any old rants I find, in no particular order.

Poly and Jealousy – Part Two

July 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

Got to explain to another person this morning that “I get jealous” does NOT mean that person can’t do poly, it means they’re human.

Which is not to say everyone can do poly, just that jealousy is hardly a deal breaker, in fact it’s something that most polys are working through all the time, processing jealousy like we process other emotional reactions.

Pointing out that we are taught that other negative emotions are normal and can be dealt with, all except jealousy. If you can’t handle your anger, we send you to anger management. If you can’t handle your fear, a therapist will help you work through it. If you can’t handle your sadness, we’ll give you some pills.
But if you get jealous? Yeah, better just avoid that entirely. No need to learn to process that emotion like you need to learn to process all the others.
The look on his face when it clicked was awesome, though. In fact, when I started my litany, HE was the one who said, “And if you’re sad, here’s a pill!” Yup, exactly.

It’s so ingrained, it never occurs to people that you can just process jealousy like you can process anger or any other emotion that’s causing problems in your life. But it makes me happy when people can see it once it’s pointed out.

Poly and Jealousy – Part One

July 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

Oy, it kills me when people say, “I can’t do poly because I get jealous.”

No kidding. So Do I. I’m actually a very jealous person. I don’t just get jealous over my partners. I get jealous over my friends, over possessions, over jobs, over my godsdamn cats. I’ve been successfully poly for the last several years because I put a lot of hard work into learning how to process these feelings.

And still they say, “You don’t understand, I *really* get jealous.” Yeah, me too. Even after all these years, I still occasionally feel like someone let all the air out of the room, I’m gasping for breath, and falling and falling and no one’s going to catch me, and I feel sick to my stomach.

But I’ve learned how to identify the true sources of these feelings, process them, and move forward.

As a reward, I get to share my love, heart, soul, and bed, with more than one person. I get to watch the people I love find joy and happiness with people who can give them things I can’t. I get to feel new relationship butterflies again without sacrificing long term life partnership. I get to explore connections with people I wouldn’t have considered before because they can’t give me everything, and find that they can give me something I need and want perfectly.

Our society has decided jealousy is the one negative emotion it’s better to just avoid if you can, and ignore if you have to. They don’t say this about anger, or sadness, or grief, or guilt. There are whole fields of study devoted to how to deal with each of those. By deciding it’s ok to never learn how to deal with jealousy, western culture is missing out on an awful lot of wonderful things.

Where Am I?

You are currently viewing the archives for July, 2014 at Autoneurotic Rambles.